TRAUMA AND HEALING THE BODY (my story)

TRIGGER WARNING
Trauma (type 2 – the prolonged one) is the silence shadow that walked with me my whole life.
Unintroduced, I didn’t really know I run my life on autoreply because of trumas from the past. Took a lot of work in the past years to realized that there was nothing wrong with my body by itself, and all the patterns were on repeat managed by my subconcious, to preserve my energy, to protect me and to create a safe life. Despite that, I didn’t feel safe, at the age of 25 starting a new job, I started to have flashbacks of things I didn’t know happened, thing I didn’t know had a tremendous impact on my current life.

Fears of being attacked and murdered if I walk alone in the park, fears of failling at everything, second guessing myself in every decision I made.
Even thou I knew I was an amazing Naturopath, and Integrative Medicine Practitioner, Yoga guide, I knew I am a healer, I have been hiding in the shadow being afraid of seeing the light.

Healing traumas has been the best journey I have travelled to.
There are some beauiful tools to allow us to unite into one healing being.

I now see how many clients of mine, friends, Functional Medicine practitioner, people with chronic illness walk with trauma type 1 or 2 unaware of it running their life, their choices, and sending those signals to the body of being hypersenstive to protect YOU.

Of course we all have been through something, and it is okay for you to choose whether and when you want to work on it, but I want you to know – you have a choice, and you can feel whole again. Your subconcious and unconcious brain is your best friend to protect you when you are unaware, but you can come out the loop.

My whole life I felt like there was something wrong with me because I feared so much, I was afraid of moving my body, I was afraid of beeing seen, I was afraid of public speaking. I had anxieties the whole 3 years
of being in Architecture school, in fact I don’t remember 60% of what happened there because I dissasosiated for most of the part, and I didn’t know. I didn’t know why. I though it was normal to forget.

Almost 2 years ago I have met my partner, who was super grounded in his body. He told me about Body SDS (body de-armouring), it’s where I have put my frist steps in learning boundries.
It took me one year to understand and embody the boundries in myself. Despite doing yoga for several year, 5 sessions with one of the Body therapists – I felt like I was introduced to a whole new body. It is why I advise most of my clients to do Body SDS work, because learning boundries is crucial for healing. I also did workshop on boundries, and will be bringing it back as soon as we can touch again. I also love doing intutive Body work. I thank Body SDS for allowing me to unlock those gifts I had since I was born, but somehow redownloaded it all by unlocking my powers.

By the end of last year I did few sessions of EMDR, which is great for dealing with PTSD, which I have been suffering with for about year before (right after that I did my Vipassana which I would like to dedicate it’s own post one day, because it was like x1000 sessions of EMDR, Body SDS and Recall healing put together :)) and earlier that year I also did Recall Healing therapy, and went through re-remembering and procesing what happened to me when I was being sexually harrassed for a year, and sexually assulted at last. It reminded me how much I suffered inside when I lost my hair right after the assults I didnt even remember, and suffered a cognitive decline at the age of 21, seeing no future for myself without my brain functioning properly. I was finally allowing myself to go through the grief and pain. See the pattern? The brain is here to protect you, and sometimes that means forgetting everything so you do not have to remember, and once you are safe – you can allow the body to process it to heal.

When I look back today, I had a happy childhood. A happy childhood I completely forgot becausse I was a senstivie child and at an early stage I started to dissasoiate when things became difficult. I have loving parents, who made few mistakes, but did the best they could with the ciromstances they had. I misunderstood them here and there and created a pretty lonely life for myself where I though I had to hide everything to myself. For most of my teenage yers and until recently I had one big dark hole instead of memories of myself as a child.

For the past seven years I have been doing a lot of work of unlearning. I feel like trauma work and being trauma informed is the biggest lesson for my personal life and my career, and today I see it as a super power. In todays world we still treat the body and brain separately and I am hoping to bridge the gap and be a practitoner where YOU can integrade YOU and YOUR story as one. The body doesn’t just wake up one day and decide to mess things around. There is always a story, you might just not see it. That is why my questionaire is 34 pages long :-))

Me and you, perhaps we still do not have all the answers, but we ask the quesions, one step at the time.

This year, was pretty revolutionary, I started my course in Recall Healing to become a therapist and will be finished in about 10 days, during the work (because while studying you first need to heal Yourself) I understood the impact of, being beaten up as a child by a stranger (in fact the work on my boundries started long time ago, because I recognized and stood up for myself as a 21-year old to that man, that was before I did any work), I was sexually harrassed by my girl friend before the age of 7, on the playground.
I found out, I had so much death in my family (my family is huge both of my parents have more than 5 sibilings) that noone ever spoke to me about before I asked. I recgonize that my father was hurt himself, and all his rage comes from his own hurt inner child. I recognized he left and my mom when I was just 1 month old to go into a declared war country to earn money to help us live a decent life. I also became ill with asthma and eczema right after he left.
I recognized that my sudden fear of swimming and water which I developed at the age of 21, might be comming from the fact that John – first child 2 generations ago drawn to death leaving his unborn daughter Janina. I heard this story many years before and I remembered feeling deeply connected to it, because we both were amazing swimmers, even thou we never met. Things clicked, this year I started swimming in dark cold water again without being afraid I will be sucked in by a swirl. I also recognized my hairloss started when I was 3 years old, and my dad dissapeared from the Earth for few months (it’s a very long and painful story for him I will let to him to share with the world).

I recognized that my need for moving to the US came from the fact that my great grandpa left with his whole family there, and a big part of me will always want to be there too, depiste never meeting him because he was blown by a mine during world war 1.
I also recognized that the moment I found out about it, it clicked for me why I am so freaking afraid of dying when I am just walking on a street. Everything that happened to me as a child, everything that happened to me as a young adult, everything that is happening to the world right now, everything that happened to my family and my ancestors I carry in me. & There is so much more that I will keep to myself, because it involves others I am not sure are willing to share…

I am now empowered with this knowledge and I take the steps to overcome my fears. I might not know everythig, and I still feel like I have unanswered questions of why I am the way I am, but doing Recall healing, Body SDS and Vipasanna* literally restructured my brain and I feel whole and also I see so much deeper as a therapist.

*I have done many other techniques I mentioned before, but working with this 3 techniques allowed me to go much deeper, perhaps because I was not alone and I was doing it collectively or with a therapist/guide. For example Yoga teacher trainings were also very healing, and I did many “non intentional trauma work” that resulted in huge healing. I believe all techniques actually can allow you to go so deep, as long as you have someone holding your hand, because we heal collectively. I just wanted to add that talking to a friend, cuddling a dog, holding someones hand and hugging can be equally healing.

My memory recently came back to the level from before the decline (or perhaps it is even better) and I feel like my brain is 14 again, I started to read at the level I used to as a high schooler, I am taking so many steps of playing with fear. Here is a photo of me overcoming my fear of hights:

I see so much deeper into everyone and remember that only hurt people hurt people. There is a story, you and they might not understand, but there is a story. It might be generations of trauma.

Wrirting this story was therapeutical to me and I hope it gives you hope, because for the first time I truly feel like I am 100% on a path of healing, because my conciousness expanded. I now know and trust that I am in control of my own healing. (Which does not mean I still don’t ask for help, I am still a human just like you, and all these processes also happen to therapists, we do not have a special field of protection. In fact sometimes I wonder if I dont go through it all so that I am better at understanding when you sit on the opposite side of the table ;)).

I have always walked the healing path, but I have not always felt it, and I will always walk it, but lucikly now I know there is a healing inside that I can come back to anytime. I know I am protected and held by the Universe but also by myself. I am protected by my own boundries.

This is to show you that when you sit on the opposite side of the table and say things like ” I am suffering with candida” I see you, and besides looking at your diet, your lifestyle I also go deeper and ask those sometimes uncomoftable questions like “have you suffered loss, have you had an abortion? have you lost someone you loved?”.

This is why there is no healing of the body without healing the mind. We are only concious of 10% of what is happening and 90% happens under the closed curtains of our awarness. I want to guide you torwards knowing more, so you understand why your body communicates with you the way it does. The body and the brain always wants to protect you. It is up to you if you want to protect you too, so you feel whole and no longer feel like the body-brain-conciousness and subconciousness is separate, while it is in fact one.

I am happy to announce I officially in 10 days become a Recall Healing Therapist and will add a special option for only Recall Healing sessions for some of you who would only want to do that work. Unofficially I have been using Total Biology/ New German Medicine for the past year and a half.
Also until the end of July you can get the session 50% off the usual price, and remember you can always book a free 20 min consultations.

BOOK HERE

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